How To Pray: A Guide for Sinful Liberals/Atheists Who Are Finally Praying To Avoid the Coronavirus

Now that the coronavirus has spread through many Western nations, for the first time in their lives many terribly sinful liberals and atheists finally realize the value of prayer.

They are praying that the virus does not find its way to their bodies.  The Christian community is well versed in the power of prayer and are comforted by the fact that God already knew America would face this test of faith and that is why he fixed the 2016 elections to elect President Donald Trump.

Instead of saying, “I told you so!”, it is important for the Christian community to forgive all the sinful liberals and give them a chance to repent, pray and come clean.  The healthier they can stay, the faster our country can heal.

Please follow the guide below to learn how to pray and also get your soul in a good place for deliverance.  While the coronavirus can inflict harm on the physical body, do not forget a Godless soul is already infected with a virus that can lead to internal torment and suffering:

1.  Get down on your knees

The best prayer position is one where you find a bench.  A couch can work too.  Kneel down and close your eyes.  Clasping the hands is not a requirement, but it could keep you from engaging in perverse habits (reaching for a marijuana stick, having a hand held by a same sexed partner, etc) that can distract your prayer session.

2.  Repent

Over 50% of the nation has been contentious and flippant of President Trump’s divine purpose.  He tried to warn everyone to buy ‘Made in the USA’ and build walls to surround America.  Liberal Congress fought President Trump and delayed building our walls.  Now, coronavirus is spilling in from every corner of America.

Repent.  Repent of talking bad about President Trump.  Repent of supporting Bolshevik Bernie’s attempt to make the United States a socialist wasteland who bows down to un-American USSR communist ideals.  If you have ever argued with a Republican friend over something, odds are that you were trying to justify a sin.  Repent.

3.  Ask for a Discerning Spirit

Christians enjoy a superpower that non-Christians do not have:  a gut faith instinct.  Liberal scholars and their followers get so frustrated when they try to ‘debate’ facts with a theologian.  Despite all their fancy, expensive Ivy League degrees, their logic and ability to speak is always torn to shreds and to ‘caveman’ (lol, a liberal fantasy creature) grunts and displays of anger.

The reason is that Christians have a direct audience with God in our hearts and guts.  That is faith.  We can just know when something is wrong or right.  President Trump uses his gut faith instinct to lead this nation.  We also know what is right be our guts:  abortiion law, immigration policy, gun rights, when a person looks suspiciously like someone who you would expect to be coughing with the coronavirus or ready to steal something from your store.

These are all hallmarks of a gut faith instinct.  Even scientists acknowledge that the intestines are wired to be the body’s true discerning brain.  Ask God to live in your guts.  With time, you will find yourself able to agree and see things the right way.

4.  Buy a Keep America Great hat (or Make America Great Again will do)

In addition to keeping your warm and letting your friends know you are a part of the same club, the beacon red hats designed by President Trump give your guardian angel an easy way to keep track of you if and when a mass panic breaks out.

5.  Bless Your Food and Meals

People who know how to chop wood, grow their own food and rear their own animals for butcher, are typically not Democrat liberals.  Self-reliant people do not need to rely on product made in China.  You likely do if you are liberal, so double-down on saying ‘grace’ before eating some of your craft caviar and CBD infused grass fed meat from your fancy artisan store.

6.  Speaking in the ‘Tongues’

For urban liberals, speaking in the tongues are your closest COGIC (Church of God in Christ) or PAW (Pentacostal Assembly) is typically frowned upon in a refined church service, but in the face of crises some prayer is better than no prayer at all.

Many inner city churches gather and have prayer sessions where people seem to start communicating in an old ancestral language.  There is no science that says it is not wrong for certain people to pray like this at all.  But just like there are Princesses like Her Royal Highness Kate Middleton and then others like Megan Markle, there is a certain way to pray if you are properly traditional and other ways to pray if you are more unorthodox.

7. Holy Oils

Many olives come from Italy, so it is best to go ahead and not use olive oil.  A good tub of butter made in America, prayed over by your pastor and then used in a similar manner not only works just as well, but it is also a better deal and helps our economy.

After having a dialogue, just pray when your heart feels like it and end it by saying ‘Amen’.  Good luck.