by Dr. Jet Stonecrest
Today, tragedy befell suburban America after Obama ordered a surprise attack against Target’s cash registers. As suburban mothers went to Target stores to shop for baby showers, wedding gifts, summer time vacation outfits and home accessories for show, around 12pm CST cell phone networks started to fail as frantic mothers texted and Snapchatted one another to capture tragedy befalling their lives.
All across the nation, emergency rooms report a sudden influx of mothers suffering from panic attacks and elevated blood pressure, clearly in shock from not being able to spend from neither credit or bank accounts to purchase the store’s trendy merchandise.
Cultural experts from the Moral America Foundation confirm communiques planning a ‘crippling attack’ on suburban mothers, especially those among the wealthy, conservative majority who voted for Donald Trump, would be coming this summer. No one predicted that Obama would order such a grievous, callous attack that ruined an entire Saturday for millions of upper middle class families.
Political analysts calculate that the attack was a calculated strike in the financial class warfare being masterminded by Bernie Sanders and confirmed socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Those two have routinely petitioned Obama to use his immense power to strike fear and despair into the hearts of the financially sound.
The attack by Obama marred the first warm-weather vacation weekend without rain, flooding or tornadoes across America. Target is finally recovering but psychological experts warn that seeing Target can be crippled for hours on end will likely bust the moral of Obama’s target demographic for years to come.